loser of the week part one

OK, so I write this little column called 'Loser of the Week', which is devoted to the mocking of losers (der), but has also developed a bit of a tendency to seek out the hilarious websites of celebs and other persons of prominence. I have decided to post these columns, but am going to have to do so after they have actually gone to print in the magazine they are in, so they will probably look a little out of date. Oh well.

Perhaps anyone who does read this would like to make LOTW suggestions. It is increasingly hard to find people to write about who are both amusing and not cliched, and this week I just gave up and went with the obvious. Previous targets have been Hilary Duff, Pope Benedict, Jeb Bush, Amanda Vanstone (check out the book reviews at vanstone.com.au!!!), Bjorn Wirdheim (racing car driver - I wanted to do something a little different for once), Paula Abdul and Farrah Fawcett.

So yeah, this week it was TOM CRUISE, but it was before the water squirt incident when I wrote it.

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LOSER OF THE WEEK

"Something magnificent has happened to me and something extraordinary, and I'm so happy I just can't restrain myself.”

Well, Tom Cruise, I can’t restrain myself either. With every day my loathing grows. I don’t care if it’s a stunt (cue the gay rumours… now!) or not, quite frankly, but I do care that I am subjected to every repulsive detail of your affair with a woman so much younger that when she saw you in Risky Business she might have had to overcome a fear of cooties to develop her much discussed ‘crush’.

After a whole six weeks of dating – a period I like to refer to as the ‘Drew Barrymore wedding preparation phase’ – we’ve been privy to Tom ‘n’ Katie gushing uncontrollably, hinting at marriage (in particular during Holmes’ appearance on Letterman) and Katie deciding that she would like to find out more about Scientology after all. Well, guess what Katie? You should be taking Battleship Earth as a very bad sign.

Maybe I’m just bitter and hate people who are in love, or at least those who can’t shut up about it, but I suspect it doesn’t take being single to hate Tom Cruise right now. His idiotic love rants are an insult to every single person out there who has actually found love. Cruise hasn’t turned out a decent film in a long time (my god I hated Minority Report!), and this performance is a clear sign of why. Even if he is in love, he’s not convincing anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry about his dumping ‘our Nic’, but for making her prosthetic nose in The Hours look realistic by comparison, Tom Cruise must surely be declared Loser of the Week.

But I’ll give the man himself the last word: "If people don't like it, then fuck them. If people don't like it, fuck off." You got a deal, pal. I bet War Of The Worlds is gonna be shit anyhow.

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As you can see folks, I need some new ideas.