other people's blogs (or, the wisdom of kelly clarkson)

It seems that, despite my own assertion that I shan't blog about my own life, I am becoming increasingly addicted to reading other people's blogs about their lives. The more day-to-day the better, provided they can write and have a bit of darkness in their lives. Nothing is so dull as other people's happiness, unless it's Mariah Carey's (for some reason I am finding her resurgence gives me joy, despite having always hated her music - well, at least since I came to my senses from Music Box onwards, but I was all of eleven when I asked for a copy of her first album, and, hey, 'Make It Happen', my last Mariah purchase, is a great song). Of course, this could just be because I feel younger somehow if Mariah is still topping the charts.

This is not to say that I take pleasure in the sadness of others, as such. Merely a little comfort. It's nice to know that other people have similar responses to the pain in their lives - anything is better than feeling like you are the only one.

Also, I have gained a new appreciation for some particular pop songs. A certain blogger (who knows who he is) has been having a tough time in the personal life stakes, and mentions Kelly Clarkson as a source of inspiration.

I reviewed her latest album a while ago, finding it compared unfavourably with Idol related debuts by Fantasia and Casey Donovan (I stand by my assessment that For You is actually surprisingly decent, by the way), and I am not about to back down from the two stars I deemed it worthy of, but I will admit that my assessment of 'Since U Been Gone' ("the worst lyrics of any pop hit this year") needs some revision.

You see, Kelly's wisdom is not in the lyrics thesmelves per se, but in the way they match the beats so perfectly. The other day in the gym I almost screamed out the chorus, but sanity prevailed... just.

Since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

OK, the lyrics are terrible, but I threw my head around (on the excercise bike) with abandon in a way that the most nuanced Tori heartbreak song (current favourite 'Your Cloud': "do you think, just like that, you can divide this? You as yours, me as mine, to before we were us?") will never provoke. It's pop catharsis at its very best, headbanger-pop even.]

But wait, there's more. 'Behind Hazel Eyes', which naturally works somewhat better if you do (as I do) have hazel eyes:

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Pretty standard stuff, I'll grant, but it's building on 'Since U Been Gone', giving the shattered, hopeless side of the former song's defiant optimism. I especially like "Now all that's left of me / Is what I pretend to be."

The chorus is less good, but I do like the fact that hazel eyes are getting some airtime, as blue, green and big brown eyes usually hog all the attention. Perhaps Kelly (or her songwriters) realise that there are many hazel-eyed types out there (and let's face is, lots of bi-eye colour types list themselves as hazelly brown or hazel-green, as is my tendency).

Between these two songs, the two extremes of post-break-up emotions are covered really rather neatly. And the least appreciated eye colouring is getting some well deserved props. Kelly Clarkson, I salute you (and your - Swedish? - songwriters).

if there's any justice in the world...

...then 'If There's Any Justice' by Lemar ("Can you spell Lemur, Maggie? Lee-Murr...") would have been a huge hit, but alas it was not to be.

On the bright side, though, justice has been served with the ratings failure of the US version of The Office. It's already been axed, and replaced by repeats of Everybody Loves Raymond (OK, so that part is less good, but it's kind of like the ultimate Channel Ten punishment).

And, with thanks one more to the trusty SMH, it seems that justice is on Paula Abdul's mind, as she lobbies the Californian legislature to introduce a bill that would "establish safety standards for manicure and pedicure equipment and rewrite state regulations directing nail shops to follow sanitary practices."

It seems Paula was left in horrific pain by a bad manicure and now seeks to spare others the same fate.

And people call Bob Geldof a saint...

more charlotte hilarity

This one is just cruel:

http://www.pugbus.net/artman/publish/06262005_churchlist.shtml

the new diva?

I had high hopes for Lindsay Lohan. Mean Girls was ace, and Freaky Friday was as good as that kind of thing could ever be (although kudos there too to Jamie-Lee Curtis). Her first single was so good, with it's great pop rhythm, teasing bits of autobiography and eighties-niteclub style video. She was friends with Paris Hilton and co, but clearly in a backstabbing Mean Girls kind of a way.

She was clearly the hot alternative to Hilary Duff. Sassier, spicier, bitchier. Disney (officially) but not. And if she covered 'Material Girl' I'd have coped a lot better.

And then she turned to shit.

I haven't, I'll admit, seen Herbie: Fully Loaded, but its clearly a mistake for her. And the second single from her album was boring, as, I'm told, was the rest of it. And she's gotten far too thin, and gone blonde. None of this pleases me.

So, with Britney a write-off and Lindsay a disappointment, the time has come to choose a new diva.

Charlotte Church is hereby declared the front-runner. Why? Well, her single 'Crazy Chick' (sample lyric: "I think I’m gonna need some therapy / Oh boy I hope you got a PhD”) is pretty damn good (like early Sugababes - before they ditched the sour faced redhead or, alternatively, before Siobahn Donahy left the band to pursue 'other opportunities', namely failure) and advance word on her album is good too.

Best of all, she's a total slapper: she's a classical prodigy who wants a pop career; she's got a bastard ex who spilt details about hers ex life to the tabloids; and she's got a temper! Lastly, she likes buying her way out of problems. Shame that this then gets reported and ensures the problems get even worse.

[More info: http://www.people.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=15666638&method=full&siteid=55768&headline=voice-of-a-hell-s-angel--name_page.html]

She's like all five Girls Aloud rolled into one.

I can't wait to hear the album. Maybe she can make a movie too... I wonder if that movie version of The Basic Eight (best book EVER) ever got green lighted...

thoughts right now...

[NB: Any references that seem bizarre e.g. 'a sorta mission statement (here with you)' or 'thoughts right now' are probably Tori Amos related. They could also be from The Simpsons or Absolutely Fabulous, but those are assumed knowledge.]

Anyway, thoughts right now:

1. 'Love, Thy Will Be Done' (by Martika) is one heck of a song, and I must invest in a copy of Martika's Kitchen as soon as possible. The Prince-penned title track will be a bonus. Of course, I have the song on bloody cassingle (as well as 'Martika's Kitchen' and 'Coloured Kisses'), but what bloody good is that to me now? The song does have rather suspiciously religious imagery, but my care factor is set to low on that one. If I can get into Tori's The Beekeeper despite its being based on The Gospel of Mary Magdalene, then I can choose to interpret lyrics such as "Love thy will be mine, and make me strive for the glorious and divine" in a secular light.

2. Despite my best intentions, I have, it would seem, been sucked in by series 5 of Big Brother. I realised this was the case when Geneva was evicted last night, and I sort of cared. Not much, admittedly, but enough to realise that I am no longer simply keeping track of it (mostly through the website, much more bearable than the show) just because I feel it is required of me as a (wannabe) pop culture comentator. This became even more apparent today when I realised that Glenn (the sheep-shearing misogynist) was up for eviction. The website says that a vast majority of people think he is going to be voted off. This gave me a small degree of joy. Shit.

3. I need to get around to writing an appreciation of Lisa Simpson. This though occured to me when watching the epsiode recently where Homer and Ned Flanders become friends (Homer Loves Flanders - from Season Five, my favourite season). There are so many reasons to love her, but her little tendency towards postmodernism was the feature being highlighted in that episode:

(Bart expresses concern at the apparent friendship between Homer and Flanders)

Lisa: Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Ay, caramba!
Lisa: That's the spirit.)

and then later...

Bart: I don't get it, Lis. You said everything would be back to normal, but Homer and Flanders are still friends.
Lisa: Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures.

Gold. Pure gold.

4. I need - more urgently - to work on my thesis and the journal article I'm trying to write. Anyone with thoughts on 'pornobiography' should get in contact. (NB. both are pop culture related so this isn't about me... gee, I'm having a tough time of this whole not writing about my life thing aren't I?)

loser of the week part two

Another column. I hope this doesn't get me sued.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

Radio ratings aren’t something I usually would take any interest in, but finding out that Kyle and Jackie O had fallen significantly behind in their breakfast radio ratings war gave me something to smile about. Sure, Nova’s Merrick and Rosso (who increased their popularity at the expense of the 2Day FM pair) are hardly my idea of wit and sophistication, but the idea of that grinning arsehole suffering a set back is some mild compensation for the prospect of having to endure him on my TV screen when Australian Idol starts again.

Whether being a homophobic jerk (both in outing a teenage staffer and his constant on-air gay jokes, thinly disguised with an air of ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that’), threatening to ‘bury’ Frenzal Rhomb (whose career has for so long benefited from 2Day FM’s support!) or releasing the year’s worst assault on our ears, the single ‘Ooh Aah’ by his girlfriend, ex-Scandal’Us ‘star’ Tamara Jaber, on his King Kyle record label, Kyle Sandilands is truly a fucktard of the lowest order. Recalling his appearance on Celebrity Big Brother makes me think of this year’s regular housemates with a degree of warmth.

Worst of all, he has always been something of a hollow clone of his 2Day predecessor, Ugly Phil O’Neil, substituting brattish behaviour and lame innuendo for O’Neil’s somewhat more interesting take on being a radio bad boy. And now Kyle is trying to fill the shoes of my beloved Dicko. Whilst advance word suggests that Sandilands hasn’t modelled himself on Idol’s favourite judge, its going to be a painful adjustment nonetheless. For making me all the more certain that there is no life after Desperate Housewives, Kyle Sandilands is hereby declared Loser of the Week.

i don't see dead people

I went on a ghost tour on Friday night. Whilst discussing it might be pushing the boundary of 'pop culture' somewhat and might teeter on autobiography, I feel I must ask the following:

Why are the only people who 'sense' ghosts invariably obese?

I'm not one to diss the chubbies of the world usually, but there did seem to be a bizarre correlation between weightyness and psychic ability. There were at least three such people on this tour, who would regale us with tales of their previous experiences with ghosts (e.g. the woman who had a ghost come home with her, which she knew because her car radio was working unexpectedly and then a hat fell on the floor in a room with no wind). They would also get spooked by their 'sensing' of spirits and say that they wouldn't wish them on other people. Which is obviously why they were coming on the tour for their third and fourth times.

Needless to say, I didn't see or feel any ghostly presences. At one point, I tried to talk myself into it and imagined a small boy. The guide then told us that the room we were in had several reports of a small girl being seen. Close then, but no cigar. I think my 'feeling' of a small boy owed much to spatial dynamics - the room had lots of little nooks where a child could curl up and that made me think of a kid. Or maybe my psychic abilities just need some fine tuning...

The historical nature of the site was significantly more interesting than the ghost stories (especially as ours were told by a totally cynical guide... actually I really liked him). It was the old quarantine station at Manly. There is a great history thesis waiting to be written (if it hasn't already been done) about the construction of illness etc etc through the space. A bit of room for analysis of race (the 'Asiatic quarters' were naturally somewhat bleaker than the other areas) and class (since quarantined people were housed according to the class of travel they had paid for on the ship bringing them over).

Really, though, the highlight was seeing a bandicoot, after all the signs that said "Caution: Endangered Bandicoots." I never realised they made specific signs for specific marsupials, rather than just generic endangered species ones. Its good to learn something I guess.

weasel part one

This column used to apear in a Sydney mag on a weekly basis. It now goes to print in Brisbane, monthly. It's purely about pop music as opposed to movies or tv, but the music side is a thinly veiled excuse to gossip about and laugh at tragic celebs.

Forgive the capital letters. They are the desired formatting of the magazine, and I can't be arsed to change them all.

WEASEL: POP WITH BITE

With Greece having won Eurovision, SHAKIN’ STEVENS having won the British series ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’, and with AUSTRALIAN IDOL only in the audition stages, my attention has naturally been diverted to the U.S. of A where ‘Hit Me Baby’ has just, predictably, been copied by the NBC network. So far, the series has seen wins by ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and VANILLA ICE, who performed a modified version of DESTINY’S CHILD’s ‘Survivor’. They saw off the likes of CECE PENISTON (remember ‘Finally’ from the ‘Priscilla’ soundtrack?), TIFFANY (who made the final of the UK version), The KNACK and… errr… HADDAWAY.

Of course, none of these acts really hold a candle to BANANARAMA, who, as I informed you last time, are back! I’ve now managed to hear their new single ‘Move In My Direction’ and can tell you its just the sort of hollow poptasticness the world is desperately in need of. I could only be more excited if COLLETTE (who recently made an appearance at a night club in Sydney) was to follow the lead of MELISSA TKAUTZ and score a new record deal. A new song, ‘Lies’, backed by ‘Sexy (Is the Word) 05’, is coming out in July, with Melissa apparently having been signed on the basis of a similar performance.

If nothing else, Melissa can hope to outperform GERI HALLIWELL, whose latest single ‘Desire’ debuted at a disastrous number 22 in the UK (where, keep in mind, the fast movement of the charts means that anything debuting outside the top ten is considered a serious flop). This can only help bring about a SPICE GIRLS reunion, which MEL B (who, rumour has it, is about to wow the world with a great new song after her success starring in ‘Rent’) says is more likely to occur in July 2006 (ten years from the release of ‘Wannabe’) than for the upcoming Live 8 concerts.

Still, pop music can’t all be about washed up stars, since there are also those on their way to being washed up. BRITNEY SPEARS is having another crack with her new single ‘Someday (I Will Understand)’, which was premiered on the last episode (well it’s the ‘series finale’ at any rate) of her flop reality show ‘Britney and Kevin: Chaotic’. We can only hope that what she will ‘someday understand’ is that she shouldn’t have married a no-hoper white-trash leech and that she definitely shouldn’t have subjected the world to home videos of the two of them. Meanwhile, at kevinfederline.com you’ll find his unofficial fan site, with a biography that is strangely blank…

Following Britters’ example of working with her man is HILARY DUFF, whose boyfriend, BENJI MADDEN of GOOD CHARLOTTE has helped out on ‘Wake Up’, the first single to be released from her upcoming album ‘Most Wanted’, as well as a few more tracks for it. It seems that he and brother Joe would probably be co-writing the whole album, but for one twist. It’s a best of album! Yes, after two albums (plus one Christmas album in the US at least, although either way its more than Melissa Tkautz ever released), Hilary has decided that she needs a retrospective. Maybe she is merely acknowledging the number of her fans who have Attention Deficit Disorder and need to be regularly reminded exactly who she is (after all, her second album sold less than half as many copies as her debut). Or maybe she’s just been watching ‘Hit Me Baby’ and she’s getting a bit nervous…

loser of the week part one

OK, so I write this little column called 'Loser of the Week', which is devoted to the mocking of losers (der), but has also developed a bit of a tendency to seek out the hilarious websites of celebs and other persons of prominence. I have decided to post these columns, but am going to have to do so after they have actually gone to print in the magazine they are in, so they will probably look a little out of date. Oh well.

Perhaps anyone who does read this would like to make LOTW suggestions. It is increasingly hard to find people to write about who are both amusing and not cliched, and this week I just gave up and went with the obvious. Previous targets have been Hilary Duff, Pope Benedict, Jeb Bush, Amanda Vanstone (check out the book reviews at vanstone.com.au!!!), Bjorn Wirdheim (racing car driver - I wanted to do something a little different for once), Paula Abdul and Farrah Fawcett.

So yeah, this week it was TOM CRUISE, but it was before the water squirt incident when I wrote it.

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LOSER OF THE WEEK

"Something magnificent has happened to me and something extraordinary, and I'm so happy I just can't restrain myself.”

Well, Tom Cruise, I can’t restrain myself either. With every day my loathing grows. I don’t care if it’s a stunt (cue the gay rumours… now!) or not, quite frankly, but I do care that I am subjected to every repulsive detail of your affair with a woman so much younger that when she saw you in Risky Business she might have had to overcome a fear of cooties to develop her much discussed ‘crush’.

After a whole six weeks of dating – a period I like to refer to as the ‘Drew Barrymore wedding preparation phase’ – we’ve been privy to Tom ‘n’ Katie gushing uncontrollably, hinting at marriage (in particular during Holmes’ appearance on Letterman) and Katie deciding that she would like to find out more about Scientology after all. Well, guess what Katie? You should be taking Battleship Earth as a very bad sign.

Maybe I’m just bitter and hate people who are in love, or at least those who can’t shut up about it, but I suspect it doesn’t take being single to hate Tom Cruise right now. His idiotic love rants are an insult to every single person out there who has actually found love. Cruise hasn’t turned out a decent film in a long time (my god I hated Minority Report!), and this performance is a clear sign of why. Even if he is in love, he’s not convincing anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry about his dumping ‘our Nic’, but for making her prosthetic nose in The Hours look realistic by comparison, Tom Cruise must surely be declared Loser of the Week.

But I’ll give the man himself the last word: "If people don't like it, then fuck them. If people don't like it, fuck off." You got a deal, pal. I bet War Of The Worlds is gonna be shit anyhow.

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As you can see folks, I need some new ideas.

a sorta mission statement (here with you)

Greetings!

After much fluffing around and the setting up of a couple of other (totally unused) spaces, I have taken a potentially decisive step and sat down to actually write a first entry.

This blog will not be a diary of my life, hopes, fears, dreams or such like. I have never been a diarist, and, whilst I am widely held to be narcissistic (there you go! a snippet of autobiography!), I really don't feel an urge to share my so called life (see - allusions to pop culture! kick arse!) with the blogging community.

What I do wish to share is my hopefully acerbic and witty commentaries about pop culture. This at the very least means posting some of my magazine columns, articles and reviews. Hopefully I'll get off my arse and write some other stuff too (or maybe just post some links or something), but there are no promises.